After tuning into a podcast featuring the world’s leading relationship experts, Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, I was inspired to dedicate this month’s article to the key takeaways from their 50 years of research. They broke down the four most common behaviors that push partners apart. Whether you are single, dating, married, divorced, or in a committed partnership, these insights offer valuable wisdom. This topic truly resonated with me, and if you are eager to continuously improve your relationships, I think you will find these ideas deeply impactful.
A crucial takeaway was the necessity of truly listening and setting aside defensiveness when your partner expresses the need to talk. Treat these moments as though everything else pauses, making them your sole focus. To help manage your own reactions if emotions begin to swell, the Gottman’s suggest taking out a notebook to jot down your partner’s perspective. When a partner shows the vulnerability and courage to bring up a struggle, actively listening allows you to gain new insight into their world while helping them feel heard and at ease.
Conflict is normal, but why are people mean to their partners through condescension, passive aggression, or hurtful comments? Research shows we possess both altruism and aggression. Aggression is usually directed at those closest to us because we assume they will not abandon us.
Despite personality and lifestyle differences, 69% of relationship issues are perpetual conflicts that never disappear. The key is to remain connected through calm, curious discussions aimed at win-win outcomes rather than defending positions. When you feel yourself closing off, reconnect through simple acts like taking a walk together or offering a hug without the need to discuss anything. Just simply reconnect your energy. Be a team instead of competing to be right.
Recognizing the warning signs around conflict often referred to as The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse of Your Relationship:
- Criticism: Blaming a problem on a personality flaw of your partner. Like, you’re so lazy, you’re so selfish, you’re so inconsiderate. In other words, noting a characteristic that is bad that you’re seeing in your partner.
- Contempt: Widely regarded as the most destructive behavior, contempt goes beyond criticism by coming from a position of moral or intellectual superiority. This involves looking down on your partner with a sneer or an expression of disgust on your face. There’s scorn, there’s mockery and sometimes even sarcasm. Research indicates that contempt is the single strongest predictor of relationship failure. Moreover, listening to 15 minutes of contemptuous conflict weakens the immune system, predicting an increase in infectious illnesses over the following four years! Let that sink in.
- Defensiveness: We all have defensiveness to one degree or another. It is a common reaction that typically shows up as counterattacking or whining, such as protesting, “I did to clean the kitchen…what do you mean?” …rather than taking responsibility
- Stonewalling: It’s the act of completely shutting down and withdrawing from the interaction for an extended period. The Gottman’s discovered that individuals who stonewall are experiencing emotional flooding and a physiological fight-or-flight response, with heart rates often exceeding 100 beats per minute, prompting them to retreat inward to self-soothe. It’s important to note that sometimes stonewalling is compared to ‘the silent treatment’ which is different but equally damaging. One is stepping out from overwhelm and the other is withholding communication. Both leave the partner feeling rejected or abandoned.
In what situations or moments do you notice these behaviors surfacing in your own life? Consider this response the next time someone is intentionally rude, critical or mean towards you.
Keep in mind: you are neither a target nor a punching bag, and you are not an outlet for someone else to vent their anger, frustration, or smugness. When encountering this kind of behavior, pause and picture what they said physically dropping from their mouth onto the floor. Take 5 to 7 seconds to maintain a neutral gaze and compose yourself. Next, glance down at that imaginary criticism on the floor as if questioning whether they stand by it, then look back at them with a silent message: “Are you good with that?” or “Is that really something you feel proud of saying?” This pause gives them a chance to reflect or respond. If those 5 to 7 seconds pass in silence, you can calmly ask, “I need you to say that to me again,” or “Could you repeat that?”
If that approach feels uncomfortable, focus on your breathing, regain your composure, and address the interaction using reflective questions instead:
1. Clarify Their Intent. ‘Did you mean…’
• “Did you mean for that to come across as rude?”
• “Did you mean to insult me?”
• “Did you mean to embarrass me?”
Their reaction may be unexpected. They might try to shift the blame onto you or stand firm in their statement. Should they admit to intending to hurt your feelings, pause briefly and respond simply: “I thought so, thank you”. At that point, step away from the exchange; their words remain their responsibility, and you are under no obligation to internalize them. As trial attorney Jefferson Fisher aptly observes, attending every argument you are invited to is optional, you are always free to decline the invitation.
2. Prompt Them to Examine Their Expected Outcome
Alternatively, after taking a breath, you can ask questions focused on their intention:
• “How did you expect me to react to that?”
• “Did you intend that to sound as mean as it did?”
Responding to rude behavior with thoughtful questions rather than impulsive reactions allows you to maintain control. Developing the patience and self-discipline to navigate these moments fosters healthier relationships showing self-respect, clearer communication, and a more fulfilling life.
It’s important to work on rituals of connections like Sunday morning coffees or Wednesday night tennis matches. You cannot just focus on making conflict better, you must work on friendship, intimacy, romance, passion, play and fun. You must work on all of it. You really must work on bringing the two souls together.
Adding gratitude to weekly connection rituals transforms despair into delight. Long-term partners are often taken for granted. Using the “sandwich method,” begin with an appreciation, share a complaint or process a regrettable incident in the middle, and close with another expression of gratitude. Expressing appreciation makes partners feel seen and valued. Asking “What can I do next week to make you feel loved?” is another helpful addition.
Let’s face it, we didn’t learn ‘Relationship 101’ in high school, we need to learn different ways of talking to develop healthy relationships.
In summary, applying this research can transform your life in key ways:
Conflict becomes calmer, gentler, and more constructive. Its true purpose is to compassionately understand your partner’s world rather than tear them down.
Gratitude increases as you learn who your partner is today. Asking questions helps you discover how they have evolved over time.
