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The Perfect Strategy to Fall In Love All Over Again 

Author: Teri Gyemi
1 week ago
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Do you ever wonder how your soulmate turns into your soul-hate in 60 seconds or less?  Why does the person of your dreams sometimes appear to be the person of your nightmares?  Well, believe it or not, this is normal in relationships, and we need to integrate that reality into our lives.  If you fall in love, you’re going to, at some time or another, fall less in love with that person and that is a natural stage of a relationship.  The love embers can become a little lackluster and the deep connection you once had may need some rekindling.   

An antidote to this love loss is to learn how to have a conversation with your partner that is safe enough to become vulnerable with each other. Through that vulnerability we learn more about one another. By being fully present and curious you show that you care and are deeply interested in their well-being.   Over the years I have discovered that the capacity to have a conversation in which you feel present to each other is what heals.  In the following, I will introduce an easy and foolproof way to bring love back into your relationship.

What was wounded in childhood for most of us was the emotional or physical absence of the caretaker during critical moments. Most of us, when disgruntled about our relationships, complain about a ruptured connection or a missing connectionWhat is fascinating about the process I’m about to share is that, when you are in a safe conversation where you are both present to each other, you both can ultimately experience a healingIn that real time connection, you have the ability to repair the old, ruptured disconnection that’s still living within you as a childhood memory. In my humble opinion, this is what relationships are all aboutBeing able to break down those walls and support each other in being vulnerableThe vulnerability is where the growth liesThe following process helps to create a safe place for one to explore their own fears of being authentic as well as strengthen trust and empathy in the relationshipIt’s perfect for any couple that may have drifted apart.

In celebration of the month of Valentines, I would like to share this process to unlock deeper connections with your beloved using the following dyads.  A dyad is a formal communication technique between two people (hence dyad) that fosters open communication and healing.  There is a listening role and a speaking role (or receiver and a speaker).  It’s a way to speak freely about scary things without your partner interrupting or having the need to trump your comment. As a receiver, one has simple instructions; they are to actively listen to their partner as deeply as possible by using not just their ears but their entire body.  It’s important to come into the process with an open mind and an open heart.  This is not a conversation where you are commenting by agreeing or disagreeing.  It’s more of a formal communication technique where all the receiver is allowed to say is, ‘thank you’.  This thank you means, ‘I hear you’. It doesn’t mean I agree with you, it’s simply a way of saying, ‘I’m listening’.  If, however, the speaker starts to ramble, the receiver may say, ‘can you summarize that?’ Or if they start to get quiet, the receiver may say, ‘I’m interested in what you are saying, can you please clarify or repeat that?’ There are 3 questions the receiver asks, and the speaker will answer.  You will switch from receiver to speaker for each question. Here we go… 

  1. Tell me something you like about me.   
    •  This question is always nice for the receiver to hear, and it builds affinity between you.  It also makes the speaker really think about what they truly like about the receiver and can even surprise the both of you when you take the time to contemplate it.  Go back and forth for about 5 – 10 minutes and all the receiver is allowed to say is, ‘thank you’.     
  2. Tell me something you think we are aligned on.  
    • Quite often we think we are on separate teams, and we can feel very alone.  This reminder helps to build the bridge again.   
  3. Tell me something you think I should know.   
    • I would encourage the speaker to not use the word, ‘you’ when you answer this question.   This way it can be less accusatory when kept in 3rd person.  For example, the speaker may say: “When ‘one’ comes home an hour late and doesn’t call, it first makes me worried that they have had an accident.  Then once my inner black wolf takes hold, I go down the rabbit hole thinking ‘one’ is having an affair.  It would mean the world to me if ‘one’ would simply call or give me a quick text letting me know they’re running late.”  Remember, all the receiver is allowed to say is, ‘thank you’.  

I personally have used these dyads in my marriage during times when my husband and I had lost connection.  Days got busy, then days turned into weeks until we both found ourselves kind of living like roommates or two ships passing in the night.  I was relieved when I suggested the process and he was fully open to it, which led to some pretty surprising revelations. I can honestly say that in the end, we both felt completely seen and renewed in our love for one another.  We continue to practice this process, using the same questions whenever we need stoking of the embers to keep our love burning bright, free of uneasiness.     

Although it’s challenging to accept the hard truth that, from time to time, incompatibility is the norm for relationships, you will be amazed that if you keep these questions in mind the elephant in the room will not exist.  Your connection will deepen and then when you decide to go out for that date night or weekend away to nourish your relationship, the air will be clear so the sparks can fly!  

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