The Repair Game
Do you know how you build safety and trust into a relationship? It’s really all about your repair game and how you approach it. All couples argue, successful couples repair. To know how to repair a conflict is the secret weapon of emotionally connected couples.
As humans we are always going to experience some type of conflict. We are going to get into these energetic tussles where you may feel your heart close to your partner, especially after they’ve done that ‘thing’ you’ve asked them not to do for the third time. It’s that awful visceral feeling you get when your unified energy becomes disconnected, and you find yourself needing to be right rather than loved. At some point, someone may fail to do something that causes the relationship to suffer a hit to its inherent trust. It’s important to know that ruptures in relationships are very similar to wounds in the body. If ignored or put off, they fester and get worse much like a garden hose that has a tear and is leaking water and its vital energy. However, if the situation is approached with a ‘repair mentality’, as quickly as possible, within minutes, hours or a day, this subconsciously teaches our partners that we can come back to love. So, the strongest relationships are between people who don’t have tolerance for the feeling of rupture and who put energy into creating repair as quickly as possible, if not immediately, when they occur. Remember the adage, ‘never go to bed angry’?
Relationship therapist, Dr. John Gottman, refers to it as ‘turning towards each other’. We get out of our ‘adaptive child brain’, those knee jerk reactions from past trauma, and into our ‘wise adult brain’, the part of us that remembers we love each other and are working cohesively as a team. Happy couples repair early and often, and they have many strategies for repairing – both verbal and nonverbal. Gottman describes a repair attempt as “any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that prevents negativity from escalating out of control”. As a couple you come up with your own unique way to re-establish your connection. It may be a hug from behind, smirking and sticking your tongue out or saying, “I’m sorry I was out of line today, what do you need from me?” It entails mastering the art of repair, which includes both making and receiving repair attempts or bids for connection. It takes courage to make a repair attempt and it’s a sign to your partner of your willingness to end the pain of another fight. If you’re not quite ready to receive an attempt, then at least acknowledge and thank your partner for trying and let them know you need some time to calm down. It’s then up to you to come back (earlier is best) and make a repair attempt yourself to get things back on track. Like the hole in the garden hose, if not repaired and reconnected, the leaking will continue, and likely sprout new holes causing more damage. A rapid repair in a relationship maintains its vital energy which leads to long-term success and unwavering trust.
It’s important to know that repairing is not an admission that your partner was ‘right’ or that they have ‘won’ or that you are condoning the behaviour or event. It’s a foundational piece of a healthy relationship that lets both parties know that no matter what happens you have each other’s back. It says that your relationship is going to be okay, and you are going to work it out and, ultimately, you are both safe. Love can transform the dynamic if you are willing to move out of your ego (wounded child self) allowing you to show up and be present in your relationship. Once reconnection is established, then a mature adult brain conversation can happen allowing a win/win mechanism for correction to emerge. Therefore, my advice is to focus on your repair game plan as a high priority and chances are you and your partner will flourish for years to come.
Call to action: If it seems appropriate, try a six second kiss which has much more potential for repair than a peck on the cheek. A kiss that lasts at least six seconds or a 20 second hug for instance, lets you both release oxytocin that gets secreted which develops a sense of physiological safety, connection and bonding.
Safety brings us home.
